“Let me introduce myself, my name is Ptah; I pronounce my name Pitaḥ. I am an Egyptian god… I have been around since, like, forever and my superpower is creating things. I know it’s not as cool as Zeus’s or Thor’s, but I did take part in creating pretty much everything.
This is my wife; her name is Sekhet. Say hello honey”
“Sorry she doesn’t speak much. Also, she kind of looks like a lion, but don’t be frightened, she doesn’t bite. Anyway, I’m here to retell the story of my people. Now, as you know, it is kinda difficult for gods to tell time so I will just go through my story as I remember it.”
“I remember when Egypt was still called Kemet, or “black land”. It’s those Greeks that started calling our land “Egypt”. Our civilization thrived for thousand of years, but it all started when some hunter-gatherer types started to hang out by the Nile river. As they grew crops they began settled by the river banks. I love the Nile, she is a beautiful and benevolent mistress.”
“Sorry, I can’t help myself, the Nile is very peaceful and floods only when it was necessary, so growing stuff was really easy on its banks. Literary, these ungrateful worshippers would throw their seeds onto to ground and let their cattle walk on top. And puff, as if by magic their bellies would be full from a great harvest. The Mesopotamians had it much harder.
Anyway, I digress… so communities started to flourish. The Badarians, then Amratians, Gerzeans, and the Naqada. All pretty cool guys, they actually did a lot to contribute to our civilization.
They then figured out how to write and boom…”
“What, nyny? They began to grow into large urban centers! Man I’m old… I still remember the old Dynasty. That’s when the north and south kingdoms of Egypt unified, remember honey? Stop growling. I remember they built those cute little Mastaba tombs, of course they nothing like the awesome pyramids I helped with… ooh and mummies! Remember, Anubis loved those!
In the Old Kingdom there was this guy named Djoser, I think he was a king or something,
he built the very first pyramid. I was so proud because my sage son designed it, he was a great doctor. Then they built the Sphinx and the pyramid of Khufu. How did they manage to build these marvels? You would think I would know… but I don’t. They were so
beautiful when they were built, right now they kinda look like shacks if you were to compare. I can’t remember exactly, but there was some story of the Jewish people helping out, as slaves of course, but from what I can remember I think it was paid labour… hmmm… Nope memory is not what it used to be. But I’m pretty sure the Jewish people came to Egypt later than the pyramids.
Anyway, middle kingdom… middle kingdom… right Thebes. That’s right, the upper Egypt defeated lower Egypt and it came under the Theban rule. Oh that was a beautiful time, full of art and culture. The city of Thebes was so rich… oh wait, yeah they wasted their money pretty quick, that sucked.
Do you remember the Hyksos?”
“Is that the only word you know? Ok, stop growling.
The Hyksos, those weirdos, I still don’t know where they came from. They took over lower Egypt. They had no time for our kings, and did whatever they wanted. They did come up with some cool stuff though, like the composite bows, chariots and they even brought over some horsies… love those! Still I was pretty happy when Ahmose “the first” kicked the Hyksos out… a weird bunch…
That’s when the new kingdom started. At that time the title “Pharaoh” appeared, super cool. This is a famous era, most of what made Egypt famous in your time was from this era: Abu Simbel (you know the temple carved into the rock), the valley of the kings and queens etc. That’s also when Egypt’s borders were expanded by Tuthmosis and trade expanded by his successor Hatshepsut. Oh man, that was a great time of prosperity: beer, sports and leisure was where it was at. The doctors also knew what’s what, can you believe that they treated diseases with beer!
Then this #$%! had to ruin everything. Akhenate, he believed only in one god (Aten), what an imbecile. His wife was nice though, Nefertiti…
OUCH Sekhet stop biting me I said I was sorry!
Tutankhamun (King Tut), you guys know that guy. The sickly kid… poor guy, died really young. Anyway he didn’t do much, but he did restore the ancient temples and got rid of his fathers, Akhenats, beliefs. Good riddance I tell ya. Also, pretty big grave for such a little guy.
Oh and remember Ramesses II, you had a thing for him?”
“Sure, sure. He was a good guy. He did well for us, he reigned well and made pretty cool buildings. Man he was in power a long time.
Then it all went down hill… “Sea people” started to attack along the coast and the priests of Amun threatened the government with their riches, so after a while the government got so weak that it collapsed. Even though Egypt still flourished for a short time after, it was no match for those dirty Assyrians which invaded and left it in ruin.
Then Persia attacked. They were tricky, they painted cats on their shields and even placed real animals in front of our men to deter them. It worked, because you know how much we like kitties… so cute, especially the bald ones. So now we were part of Persia… all because of those damn kitties.
Then Mr. Great came. We were pretty happy to see him, because he was nicer than those kitty hating Persians. Alexander the Great’s general, Ptolemy, even brought his body back to Alexandria and created the last Dynasty. The last of which was Cleopatra herself. Haha, I remember they had a weird thing, her and Mark Anthony. Not with a happy end though, Mark Antony and Cleopatra were defeated by the romans and she killed herself… not a very happy note to end the story on at all. That’s pretty much how ancient egypt came to an end.
Oh well, everything has to end. Except for me, I don’t think I end. And between me and you, my wife’s lion head kinda freaks me out. Don’t tell her I told you that.
Thank you for allowing me to recount this crazy time. It’s all pretty quiet nowadays for us. We bought ourselves a little cottage in ontario and… hey am I boring you? Do you know who I am… I will smite you!!!
Never mind, I’m tired, I’m gonna go. Going to meet up with “Bes” later. You should meet him, chubby little guy, kinda looks like a lion kinda like a person, he is also a god. Does a juggling thing at parties… anyway you don’t care…”
He sadly and slowly stood up and took his wife by the shoulder. Slightly leaning on her; they both half walked, half floated away like the magnificent and benevolent gods of the Nile that they once were. Leaving behind memories of the oldest and longest lasting civilization of all time.